For many of us in recovery it is a challenge to go out into the world in an authentic and confident way.? Addicts tend to be shame based and intimacy avoidant.? In other words they are in hiding.
The common history of childhood trauma or attachment issues leaves most addicts with the core beliefs that they are unworthy, that no one will want to be there for them and that no one will ever like the real them.? And so addicts learn early to reach for a drug to meet their needs.
These negative beliefs lead to psychological problems in the area of self expression, self assertion and being available to connect with other people.? Many addicts develop a narcissistic defense which they present to the world to cover their insecurities.
They feel that the genuine ?me? is inadequate or, as Jonathan Young of the Joseph Campbell Archive says, ?Shame does not speak up.?
Strategies for being out in the world in an authentic way
- Take a closer look at where your fears come from
When I first started doing expert testimony as a forensic psychologist I was always petrified of being cross-examined by an opposing attorney.? I would freeze up.
At some point I realized that as a child my father had always been very verbally challenging and critical about anything I said and that I had become very fearful of being shot down.? I was then able to literally look at the attorney and say to myself: ?This guy is not my father!?? I was able to challenge my belief about my own credibility.
This is a basic recovery skill, namely that of doing your best and then letting go of the result.? When I first started blogging I thought I always had to please everybody (again a byproduct of my own childhood).? When someone blasted me in a comment I didn?t know what to do.? I thought I had to change somehow.
A friend helped allay my panic by reminding me that comments are just conversation and that people have a right to their own opinion.? Let other people be them.? Children who have been mistreated will often refuse to play a make believe game without controlling every aspect of it, even when they have reached an age when they should be capable of letting others in.
- Don?t plan ahead so much
Planning everything ahead of time takes you away from the reality of the situation.? This kind of perfectionism makes everything you do seem stilted.? When children receive less than optimal parenting, they can feel that if they do something wrong it?s going to be a disaster.? They experienced love that was conditional on their fulfilling the expectations or needs of their caregivers.? In the real world people won?t be interested in you or love you because you are perfect all the time.
If you go to a lot of 12-step meetings you get to practice this skill when you ?share? i.e. talk in meetings.? You can sit there while other people are talking and plan your own perfectly polished share or you can listen to others and then speak from the heart, without a plan.
- Find ways to practice, practice, practice
It has been said that to overcome a fear you should do the thing you fear over and over again.? After being in recovery for a while I realized that I needed to learn to be more spontaneous and confident.
So I took an improve class.? It was amazing because in improvisation there is zero time to plan anything you say or do.? It has to come straight out of you, a part of you that you don?t normally access.
Any way that you can practice being ?out there? in an unscripted way will help de-condition the fear. ?Drawing or painting are great, singing or acting work the same way.? And when you do these things with other people you increase the effectiveness.
Ultimately getting out of your own way is a byproduct of recovery, and an act of faith.? It is accepting that you can be known and appreciated not for any outward attributes or achievements but for what is essential in you.? Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource
Linda Hatch is a psychologist and certified sex addiction therapist specializing in the treatment of sex addicts and the partners and families of sex addicts. Linda also blogs on her own website at Sexaddictionscounseling.comLike this author?
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????Last reviewed: 13 May 2013
APA Reference
Hatch, L. (2013). Putting Yourself Out There: My Tricks for Gaining Self-Assurance. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 13, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-addiction/2013/05/putting-yourself-out-there-my-tricks-for-gaining-self-assurance/
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